The Five Lies of Youth Ministry: Part Two - "Mixed Small Groups!"

Keep the boys and girls together! Why should we separate them if in the “real world,” they must live and work and share together? Creating little youth group frats seems to violate the call of Christ to spread the gospel to all, and may only make your young people effective in proclaiming Christ to those of their own sex. Oh, and this eliminates the need for the ever hard to find male youth group leader, as anyone can lead a mixed small group.

Let’s get one thing straight off the bat—I think young boys and girls need good and holy interaction and I think a youth group is a good avenue to provide it. In addition, I am perfectly fine with women leading youth groups. Whew. Ok

That being said, I think the general trend in youth ministry to make everything co-ed—not least of all small groups—is crippling the ministry and the men and women therein.

I refuse to make the case that men and women are different. If ever there was a self-evident truth claim (a phrase that I am all too weary of to begin with), this is one of them. Or perhaps this is simply a tenet of common sense, as obvious as the statement “blue is not pink” or “apples are not oranges.” Boys are not girls, and girls are not boys. And despite similar humanity and to a degree anatomy, their very natures are different. This latter point regarding natures may be less evident to the biologist or the skeptical academic. It is, however, most obvious to anyone who has observed children, or been a child himself. Boys are certainly not girls. And vice versa. That is settled and there is no debate to be had.

Therefore, they must be treated differently, taught to embrace their different roles, and led on the path to Christ in different ways. Christ led Mary and Martha to the mystery of his person differently that Peter, James, and John. He called the woman at the well in one manner, and Matthew the tax collector in another. There is a reason that one of the highest vocations in life—the vocation of a consecrated religious—is a call to live men among men and women among women. And while the preservation of celibacy remains a primary reason for this division, another reason often forgotten is that this highest vocation can only be lived in communio, within the bonds of holy fraternity and sorority. Even in the sacrament of Holy Matrimony, husband and wife must continue to foster friendships with their respective sex in order that they might more perfectly love each other. There is something of holiness that can only be discovered man to man, woman to woman.

This wisdom applies to our situation in youth ministry today. The needs and differences between men and women can be seen most evidently in the small group. In a small group of girls, though it may be difficult at first to attain participation, when one girl breaks, the whole crew can become as chatty as we all know high school girls can be. Likewise, when one girl cries, the rest usually join in weeping as the women of Jerusalem. It’s how women are. I don’t pretend to understand.

For men, however, they can sit for hours without saying a word. And they will. Men must share a common physical experience. Running, wrestling, woodworking, whatever it may be. Once this is had, only then can men begin speaking about the deeper things. And those deep conversations are often had in the midst of that common physical experience. If you want to get a young man to speak, work on a project with him, do some manual labor, or take him for a drive. You’ll be surprised at how much a young man can talk, and how much young men want to talk.

Youth ministers must emphasize that men and women are different, and they must then let them grow as such. Along with co-ed retreats and youth nights, there ought be men’s and women’s retreats and men’s and women’s small groups. Quite frankly, women add nothing to men’s small groups but a beautiful distraction and temptation to pride. And I would assume that men add something similar to women’s small groups.

In that crucial stage of young adulthood that high school students embark upon, it is ever necessary that the friendships that carry them through are good, holy, and fraternal/sororal. Men will be led to Christ most quickly by the love and witness of holy men. And women likewise by holy women. Again, this does not exclude the possibility to men led by women or vice versa. Rather, this is an outline to what seems the quickest path to the heart of Christ for young people. Because anything else is a waste of time.